Metallica spent forty years perfecting sonic domination — riffs tuned to make lesser creatures flee. Cats spent the same forty years perfecting the 3 a.m. shelf-clearing and the thousand-yard stare. These are not opposites; they're the same energy. Meowtallica is what happens when the most relentless band in metal meets the most relentless animal on earth.

Word is all four members keep cats at home. Management still makes them wear the official flame-logo merch at every show — a tragedy, because a Master Of Kittens tee would outsell it and they know it.

Operators are standing by. Meow meow meow.

* Fine print: it is, in fact, available right here. Made to order, printed for you. Parody, fan-made, not affiliated with Metallica.